the only honest toy assembly instructions you will ever read

step 1: bash yourself in the thumb with a hammer. (no hammer is needed for the assembly of this toy, but a sharp part on page 34 will make you cry if your thumb still has sensation. bashing it now avoids that.)

step 2: spill your drink. (just trust us.)

step 3: mash these two jagged things together JUST SO until they click into place. (this pain doesn’t even come close to what’s on page 34.)

step 4: find the piece that looks like a walnut unless it’s upside-down, in which case it looks like martin van buren in fourth grade. NOT fifth grade — that is a different play set. hint: what would he have READ in FOURTH grade? would he have been happy? inconsolable? … hungry?

step 5: attach the side of the walnut-van buren piece to the jagged thing from step 3. (you didn’t break it, did you? that would necessitate the repurchase of the entire set, since these parts are not sold separately, to comply with the Postal Rage Act of 1965.)

step 6: within this box are seven (7) indistinguishable star pieces. distinguish them, then assemble them in the right order. you know what it is (the reason martin van buren was or wasn’t hungry in fourth grade).

step 7: using the remaining half-inch of thumb meat that isn’t throbbing, jam these flat pieces together until they somehow slide into place like that glass door you refused to buy because you KNOW.

step 8: using an allen wrench we did not provide, turn this thing that looks like a broken guitar pick 273 degrees, being careful not to shatter it.

…

step 43: wipe the blood from your knee again and test the device with your foot. CAUTION: your foot will be asleep.

if the object moves without collapsing, congrats! you’re now the proud owner of a ball your kid has probably lost interest in playing with and/or forgotten even exists.

if not, you may need to return to step 13.

<3