If the presidential candidates were car mechanics
Moderator: “This vehicle is hopelessly broken. What do we do?”
Liz: “What we need is access to a mechanic, and I’ve been fighting for that for years.”
Biden: “Ladies and gentlemen … record player, make sure the kids hear words. Remember the Alamo, which my boss, the former president … expand the Affordable Car Repair Act. We choose truth over facts.”
Bernie: ::whispering into mic because he’s hoarse:: “We need an automotive revolution.”
Kamala: “I will prosecute the CEO of the company that made that car. And I support vehicle repair for all.”
Pete: “When I was in Afghanistan, you did what you needed to do to get your JLTV to run. I think there’s a role for the private sector to play in getting this vehicle to work.”
John Delaney: “Vehicles for all is bad policy and bad politics. My plan, BetterRepair, ensures that people like me keep making large piles of money, and it’s supported by almost several of my sign spinners.”
Amy: ::throws her cell phone at the vehicle:: “If I had a nickel for every time that had solved my problems, my fundraising would be going a lot better.”
Yang: ::nose buried in book on legality of giving $1,000 a month to a car::
Julian: “Immigrants are the backbone of this country, and they’re also some of the best mechanics. The five Latino mechanics that the previous president didn’t deport already know how to fix this vehicle.”
Biden: “The fact of the matter is, ladies and gentlemen, that Obama did not deport a single immigrant or a single mechanic. We choose facts over truth.”
Julian: “Didn’t you say two minutes ago that you chose truth over facts?”
Booker: “It’s not enough to not be bad on car repair. We have to be anti-accident.”
After the debate:
Joy Behar: “They are all the same, so vote Biden.”
Rahm Emanuel: “Julian was way out of line for attacking Joe Biden, whose brain has been replaced with a patch of moss.”
Kamala: “I misheard the question. I actually support privatized vehicle repair.”
Average voter: “Bernie.”
Washington Post: “Biden is sharper than this MIT precision-honed thumbtack”
Nate Silver: “If you abandon all pretense of objectivity and ignore all data, it’s easy to see how Biden is the man to beat.”
Working Families Party: “Through an incredibly transparent process in which membership’s voted counted for half and leadership’s vote counted for half — but we’re not going to tell you how many people voted or what percent voted for each candidate—Elizabeth Warren won the debate with 60 percent support.”