How to do PitMad badly (if you must)

Step 1: Join Twitter

(This is generally a bad idea unless you hate free time, love being frustrated with everything, always type perfectly and enjoy reading about awful things happening while being unable to help anyone fix any part of them.)

Step 2: See the word PitMad

VERY IMPORTANT: IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS IS, DO NOT LOOK IT UP!

DO NOT!

DO NOT SHOW INITIATIVE!

FORGET EEEEEEEEEEEEEVERYTHING YOU EVER LEARNED ABOUT BEING A FUNCTIONAL EIGHT-YEAR-OLD (or even … older)!

INSTEAD:

Step 3: Ask what PitMad is.

And learn! Laziness FTW! Sept. 2 — a nice, round number.

Step 4: See all them people making “lists”?

Do you know what a list is? DOESN’T MATTER!

Just make one! Of anything! And add people to it! Use the hashtag so the PitMad feed is gummed up with you responding to 35 people in a row with the same sflgjlkgj tweet!

“Hi, @nathanfranklin45697 I’ve added you to my PitMad List! Yay! So excited to be PitMadding!”

“Hi, @Barbysox56 I’ve added you to my PitMad List! Yay! So excited to be PitMadding!”

“Hi, @ferdinandshouldbewriting I’ve added you to my PitMad List! Yay! So excited to be PitMadding!”

“Hi, @esmariwrites I’ve added you to my PitMad List! Yay! So excited to be PitMadding!”

“Hi, @RutabegaloverinFLA I’ve added you to my PitMad List! Yay! So excited to be PitMadding!”

“Hi, @humanfungusforhire I’ve added you to my PitMad List! Yay! So excited to be PitMadding!”

“Hi, @morganisarodent I’ve added you to my PitMad List! Yay! So excited to be PitMadding!”

“Hi, @marsupialofherons I’ve added you to my PitMad List! Yay! So excited to be PitMadding!”

And so on. Really, REALLY blitz the feed until you’re pretty sure seven people have blocked you for spamming.

Step 5: Time to spam your pitch to at least six people who offered pitch help seven days ago!

“Thanks for the help, @mrganisarodent!

Ruth is a woman who likes to paint. She paints daffodils. She goes on many adventures to collect squirrels. They don’t like daffodils (should this be in my pitch?) All in all, a fun beach read. #pitmad #a (am I doing the “tags” right?)”

Times approximately 15. Again, feedback is nice, but you really want EVERYONE doing PitMad to know that YOU ARE DOING PITMAD TOO!

!!!!!

Step 6: Do not actually incorporate any of this feedback. It’s too hard! Just thank people.

Step 7: Go on a following spree

Go hashtagging on PitMad. Follow anyone who uses it. Doesn’t matter why! Just Smash! That! Button!

Step 8: HEY WHY CAN’T I FOLLOW MORE PEOPLE?

Use the tag to complain that you’re in follow jail, and promise to follow EVEN MORE people when you’re out of follow jail. Again, if you’re not filling the screen with “Sorry I can’t follow you yet for #PitMad!” and seeing that you’re getting blocked because people are tiring of your spam, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG AND AGENTS WILL NOT LIKE YOUR DAFFODIL STORY!

Step 9: … you did finish that book about daffodils, right?

(Pretend. Or just write 50 words about daffodils and pretend it’s a picture book manuscript.)

Step 10: Tweet at EACH of your seven remaining followers about HOW EXCITED you are to be PitMadding!

Hashtag it up, baby. By this point, Jack himself should be irritated by your incessant PitMadding.

Step 11: Moodboards! Songs! Writing prompts! Main character’s favorite brand of basketball cleaner! Whatever else! Just keep spamming the shit out of the hashtag!

(If Jack hasn’t gotten your ISP to disconnect you yet.)

Step 12: … have you showered recently? How about eating? And sleep.

I know this is going to seem counterintuitive, but STOP PitMadding for a bit and go do life stuff. PitMad will be around when you get back. It’s on a day with a round number. Sept. 3, right?

That sounds right.

And yes, it’s great that you’re so close to completing the 100 Hours of PitMad. It’s like the 100 Hours of Le Mans, but without the streetracing. And frankly, those streetracers don’t have to check spelling, so while you’re not saying your task is harder, you’re not NOT saying it, either.

Step 13: Come back Sept. 3 and PitMad it u — Wait WHAT?

IT’S OVER?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

listlistlistl — what? WHAT?

“it looked like a bunch of scribbly crap, so I recycled it!” your spouse says.

Where’s

the

recycling

scurryscurryscurryscurryscurryscurryscurryscurry noooooooooooooo the truck came WHAT? FOUR DAYS AGO? HOW DID — WHAT?

You call the recycling people.

You inform them that you PROMISED THE MARMOSET GUY YOU’D RETWEET HIM! But you can’t FIND him! And how will you look if you don’t retweet the MARMOSET GUY?

.. what? no, you don’t need to renew some anti-psychotic pill. You’re fine! You’re PitMadding, not mad! You —

they hung up.

THEY HUNG UP?

THE MARMOSET GUY! WHEEEEERE?

… yeah, you are a bit tired. Worn out. Worked up. You collapse.

… YOUR DAFFODIL BOOK! YOU MUST TW —

But the event is over.

You’ll write TWO daffodil books for NEXT PitMad.

By that point, you should be allowed to follow more people.

I write mostly data-driven stuff.