Democratic Party rebrands to Democratic-Republican

(Satire)

Call Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden Democratic-Republicans now.

In what some observers are saying is the ultimate play for Republican votes, the Democratic Party is officially changing its name back to the Democratic-Republican Party. That party had not existed for almost two hundred years — since roughly the 1820s — until today.

New Democratic-Republican Party Chairman Tom Perez said the name change “reflects both our core shared corporate values and our mutual interest in pursuing Republican votes for the upcoming election. We assume that every ‘Democrat’ will vote uncritically for Joe Biden, but some Republicans still aren’t quite sure we’re on their side in continuing to allow corporations to do absolutely anything while ordinary people suffer and die for no good reason. We hope this name change to the Democratic-Republican Party makes clear our resolve there.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican, called the move “perhaps the ultimate sign that the Democrat Party has no core message for the country in opposition to President Donald Trump.

“The Republican Party wants President Trump and Republican values to guide this country. The Democrat Party wants Republican values — and, by extension, President Trump — to guide this country.

“It’s truly time for all Americans to unite behind the true leaders in this country: Republicans.”

On Twitter and other platforms, leading “ex-Democrats” were eager to show off their new Democratic-Republican Party buttons and other gear, with Neera Tanden and Donna Brazile showing off “I’m a Democratic-Republican” shirts and Joe Biden posing in sunglasses with “Democratic” on one lens and “Republican” on the other.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and the other members of the “squad” said they were not consulted on the move and were still weighing their options. But House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said “no member of the former ‘Democratic Party’ will be allowed to caucus with the new Democratic-Republican Party without formally abandoning all claims to the old name.

“We’re not Democrats anymore,” she continued. “We’re Democratic-Republicans. We stand with big business. We stand with the people who help them make America great. We do not stand for disloyalty. So Lexi can sign on the red dotted line or she’ll be deader to me than Nader.”